What is it?
What?
Why are you staring at my bust?
I'm not, I was looking at your shirt.
Yeah.
Are the 'Smurfs' your favorite?
Yes, I've seen every episode.
They're cute,
especially Smurfette She's just so... womanly.
Y'know, I've always wanted to be like her.
I suppose you are aware this woman was the only female in the Smurf village.
So?
Doesn't it seem odd that out of all those little blue characters she was the only female?
No, I never thought about it before today.
They just laugh and have fun all week long. It's weird. What are they happy about?
Stuck in a village full of male dwarfs. Think about it, that's not normal.
So what happens? They get aggressive.
What's your point?
Hey, I'm just saying,
why don't these men have more fights when they're competing to go out with that one female?
They should have leveled that village by now. It should be all smoke and blood and blue carcasses.
Then I came up with it.
Y'know why Smurfville never wiped itself out?
It's real simple Smurfette gives herself freely to all the male smurfs.
She sleeps around?
Yeah, Smurfette's the whore of the village.
She does them all Everyone lives happily ever after.
No question, Smurfette's the coolest chick around.
Thanks a lot, you've ruined my whole childhood.
Ants in the Pants
Tobias Sehenke
Axel Stein Luise Helm
Byorn Kirsehniok Minatander
Produced by: Bernd Eichinger
Directed by: Marc Rothemund
Seeing as I'm going to be telling you a lot of personal stuff I'd better introduce myself first.
My name is Florian Thomas but my friends call me 'Fly'.
You'll probably want to know the whole story from the beginning but I'm warning you
It isn't exactly Grimm's fairy tale. As far as I know there isn't a big ending everyone lives happily ever after.
But there is definitely a big beginning.
Hey! Hello! Wake up! Have you got cotton in your ears? Hello!
Finally paying attention. Today's the first day of the rest of our life.
Our life?
Yep, just the two of us.
At that moment, realized that there were mysterious forces of nature that one didn't always understand.
Florian, breakfast.
And even worse, I soon learned that these forces were impossible to control.
Psst, slowly look to your right.
Florian, pass the milk please.
Florian, would you please pass your aunt the milk.
There's nothing as delicious as creamy fresh milk.
Mmm, especially when it comes in containers like those.
Watch it!
Oh, Florian!
It's alright, really.
I'm sorry.
Look, honey.
The drama department will be performing 'Romeo and Juliet' this weekend at Florian's high school.
Shakespeare? Not again.
Is there some reason you're not performing? All your friends seem to have parts.
Yeah, because their folks are all forcing them.
I'd love to see you play the part of Romeo. Your father played him so well.
Remember, dear?
And I was your Juliet.
And you were the best one ever.
Speaking of school, can I stay home today, please?
What's wrong with you, Florian?
I feel kind of... upset.
Is it something I said?
Will you die from it?
I hope not.
Good, then you can make it to school.
Take another look. You won't see those puppies until you get home.
Good morning.
Hi, Lisa.
Is Florian ready?
Come in, dear.
He's behaving strangely. I hope he's not coming down with something.
Who are you anyway?
C'mon, you know me.
Oh, yeah? You were never this chatty.
Sure I was. You just didn't hear me until now.
Fly, who are you talking to?
Why can't you just disappear?
Fly?
You should have turned left back there.
No. Dear, the hospital's right up this street.
That's it, buddy. From now on only button-fly pants for you.
Almost there.
Ah, this is it.
The animal hospital?
When I say 'now' bite down on that latex bone as hard as you can.
Be a good boy... when we're done I'll make sure you get a treat.
Get ready...
My pal was relentless.
That experience at the vet didn't slow him up a bit.
I love school especially Miss Pringle's geometry.
Such lovely curves. Boy I'd like to bisect her equilateral triangle.
Can anyone tell me what the tangent's radiant is?
Florian? Florian?
Yeah?
Stand up and give us the answer.
He's already up just look.
Ah, summertime. The heat, the hard bodies.
Oh, what selection what variety!
Everywhere you look something is hot.
I know what you're thinking... that he doesn't exist without me.
But you're wrong.
2 hours later
Look at that tasty treat...
or that one.
They've definitely got my pilot-light going. How can you be cold?
Not only was I seeing boobs butts and bodacious babes everywhere,
but this voice in my shorts was driving me bonkers.
C'mon, let's go for a swim.
What are you waiting for? Frostbite?
Let's go. Buddy. I'm shriveling.
Since he put it that way I had no choice.
It's like he had a mind of his own. And his mind only focuses on one thing.
Lift-off!
Man! What was wrong with me? I decided to research my problem.
But I couldn't find any answers in the books I had.
Any good booby shots in there?
Hey, piss off!
Out of desperation I decided to turn to the two people who had brought me into the world.
Well, Florian it's a little hard to explain but it's simple biology.
The woman gets a warm feeling in her...
and the man may also...
also have a warm stiff...
Let me handle this, Petra. Y'see, Florian... It's all biological.
The human body is like any well-oiled machine.
The heart pumps blood into all the vital organs.
And then, when the man is excited by the woman...
Because he is so in love with that woman...
Well, a lot of blood rushes down to his...
...wee-wee.
I mean, this isn't a woman that the man has met casually just walking down the street.
He's dreamed about her his whole life. In fact he wants to tie the knot.
Petra, would you stop interrupting? We're not discussing marriage here. This is biology.
I don't want him to think he can have these feelings lightly.
You feel this way about girls who are very very special.
Now, as I was saying the blood is pumped...
and the wee-wee gets larger...
and larger... and closer and...
What your father is attempting to say is that the man puts his we-wee
...he puts it into the woman's flowerpot.
It's better if you stay out of this.
Why is that?
Because you're confusing him. Where did you get 'flowerpot'?
Well, your 'wee-wee' sounds like a piglet in a nursery-rhyme.
Look, Florian what we're trying to say is this thing between your legs is...
...not only used just to go to the toilet.
It's like a very good friend. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Life is like a long road-trip and it can be a lonely one at times.
So it's nice to have a dear friend along for the company and support.
Parents mean well but this was serious.
So I decided to consult the most manly guy at school.
If Coach didn't know what was wrong with me I knew no-one would.
I'm tuned-in. Son. I know exactly what's happening.
Many guys experience what you're going through.
I'm not unique?
That's right.
And you mustn't go through life always being ashamed. In fact for many years, I was ashamed.
You were?
Are you anxious about your problem?
Yeah, well, sort of. It wants to control me.
I hear it telling me to...
Listen, none of that matters.
Don't forget. Homosexuality is totally normal.
And you are normal.
Thanks for your help.
I was getting nowhere, fast.
The only person I had left to talk to was my best friend Red Bull.
All I can say is it is definitely about time, Fly. Here.
Are you positive?
No question. If your willy hadn't started talking to you with all these women running around
then I'd be really worried about you, Fly.
Yeah, but
he's totally driving me bughouse, dude.
I mean how can I get him to shut up?
Why rock the boat? Just let him talk.
Like kids my age I go to school.
And like most kids my age I have no choice.
But my friends and I make the best of it.
What's up with you guys?
Nothing much. Only...
Fly's pecker has been talking to him.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Entire sentences?
How come you had to go and broadcast it to everyone?
What does he say to you?
Stuff... I don't know.
I guess mostly he gives me advice.
Cool!
Is he good at math? I could use some help with my homework.
Awesome, dude. My banana doesn't speak to me.
That's because you don't have one. It's understandable.
Sshh, can it Sean. We have a 'babe-alert'
Oh, my God!
She's a bomb!
My sister said Leone slept with the entire football team.
You bitch.
I'm going to sign up for football.
At that second it struck me like a flash of lightning.
This was that special girl mom was talking about.
There's our flowerpot.
Leone... even her name sounded like sweet music.
Leone
Hey, bonerhead, wake up. Let's follow her.
Just put one foot in front of the other. It's called walking.
Look out, here comes Kye. Move it, geek!
I suppose you heard what Kye did to Kevin last Monday.
No, what?
He held the guy over the dirtiest toilet in school,
It hadn't been cleaned in forty years and he gave the kid a 'swirly' He even tried to flush him down.
You know what that was all about?
Because Kevin looked at Leone a little too long.
That was all?
Do you plan to say anything, Sparky?
I have no words.
You have no words for what?
To describe how I feel.
Oh, yeah. I'm a theatre fan myself.
Say what?
Oh, Romeo and Juliet.
That's right. I play Juliet.
She's the tragic heroine that everyone falls in love with.
Remember, it's this weekend?
Will you be going?
Go on and touch them. They're probably real.
Yep, they're real. How about a kiss?
Hey, that doesn't go in your mouth. Aaw, just when things were getting interesting.
So, my name's Leone. What's yours?
What?
Frenchy? Oh, you're French. How nice.
Oh, I just love French.
Say something to me in French.
That's so romantic.
Are you ok?
Are you interested in becoming a stage performer?
Yes yes yes!
A stage performer?
Say yes!
Oh, yeah. It's my hobby.
But I seldom get a chance to show off my talent any more.
Well, you're in luck.
Kevin, our under-study for Romeo just left the show.
Kevin?
I don't think so.
For me
Please?
My parents aren't home Friday so come to the house.
We can practice undisturbed. Just the two of us. We'll have fun.
Ooo, fun fun fun.
Ok.
On Friday, there's a full moon.
What?
You know, a 'full moon'.
A big boy like you
doesn't need an encyclopedia to know what that means. Uh, no, of course not.
Ok, that's enough.
Hi, Kye. This is my new friend.
He's willing to help me with my lines. He'll come over Friday and we'll practice them together.
I thought I was coming over that day.
Maybe if you'd shown a little interest in what I approached you then you could have rehearsed your part with me.
But you passed. So I found someone else to practice with me...
You better watch yourself. You and I are going to be meeting up again real soon.
See you.
Bingo! See how easy it is when you listen to me?
Alone with Leone?
Friday afternoon?
At her house?
That's amazing!
That's bitchin!
What's so great about her? Tell me.
A couple of things and they're right out front to see.
Settle please...
thank you.
As soon as Patricia gets her tongue dislodged from George's ear
I'll be happy to continue.
Now, as everyone knows we have only five days left before Saturday’s performance.
How many lines do you have?
Only one. Why?
Before we begin today's rehearsal I have a small announcement to make.
As some of you may be aware Kevin isn't here today.
He's not well.
He had a very traumatic experience.
In the bathroom.
As you know, the part he was under-studying is important.
And if Casper gets sick...
Me? No way.
...then we'd have a gigantic problem.
But, because of Leone's help,
Florian is our new under-study for the part of Romeo.
Huh? I'm under-studying Romeo?
We should give a big round of applause to the guy for taking on this assignment with such short notice.
To learn hundreds and hundreds of impossible lines in Ancient English.
Way to go, man. Why didn't you tell us?
Want to say anything, Florian?
I have something to say.
Who are you?
I'm Kyle.
Someone else got suddenly sick so I've decided to step in and take over their part in the play myself.
Show off.
Not only do I have to learn all of the lines for Romeo but the class psychopath is out to get me now.
Don't worry about learning all those lines. Casper won't get sick.
Kyle won't be able to get near you. You're never alone. You've got us, your friends.
That's right. There's safety in numbers.
If that moron Kye ever comes near you I'll teach him a lesson.
Listen to me real good, you little rug rat. You stay away from my girl friend do you understand?
Your middle name is going to be changed to 'swirly'
If I ever catch you looking at her again... is that clear?
According to my encyclopedia, full moons make people a little wild and bring out tremendous passions in them.
Nine months later many babies are born.
Oh, my god.
She wants to have sex with me.
Oh, man, that's awesome!
She's a real pro.
Well, I'm not.
She's going to expect a real lot from you 'cos she knows what she's doing.
And you, you've got to get ready.
You've got to be a sex-machine. Women always want a lot. You've got to make her see stars.
Hey, if she's not satisfied, you can never show your face around school.
Oh, man!
I hear she's done every position in the Karma Sutra.
Karma-what?
Remember when you got that remote-control car a few months ago? Yeah.
It came with a manual to operate it.
Yeah, so?
Well, the Karma Sutra is like a manual on how to operate women.
Really?
Yeah, but girls don't come with them. You have to buy them separately.
Hey, Red.
What?
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Hello, I'll take this copy of the Karma Sutra please.
Excuse me young man, but you're not old enough to buy this book.
Red, let's just forget about it.
How are we supposed to learn about making love if you won't allow us to buy a book on it.
Sex is dangerous dammit if you don't know much about it.
We could contract a serious disease and pass out of the picture.
Imagine the guilt. Could you bear it?
How will you sleep knowing two young boys are rotting in the ground six feet under?
Alright! Alright! Go ahead.
What?
That'll be $24.50.
Ok.
Hey man, no matter what they say sex is all about technique.
This is supposed to be fun?
Look at that one?
"The Blow of the Lumberjack".
Leone knows all these positions?
You worry too much. There are only about...
To try to learn 69 positions in 4 days was impossible.
Florian.
Yeah?
Homework hell? How's it going?
Good.
We'll be back in a few hours. Don't stay up too late.
190-566-566.
What are you waiting for? Give her a buzz.
Welcome to the 'Sex-line'. Mastercard or Visa?
Hello,
Mastercard.
Cardholder's name?
Petrick Thomas.
Thank you Miss Thomas. Enjoy.
Press a number now to select a qualified teacher for your needs.
For Professor Pamela, press one...
for Professor Candy, press two...
for Professor Lolita, press three...
for Doctor Andreas, press four.
Andreas?
No, don't pick her Go for the sugary one, number two.
Hello sweetie,
I'm Professor Candy.
What's your name?
Um... Florian.
What can I do for you Florian
I've got a question about safety.
How safe is 'The Blow of the Lumberjack'?
Blow a lumberjack?
A friend of mine was in an exercise class last week, he was only trying to touch his toes and he...
Listen, Florian I have a better idea.
Why don't we talk about you?
You know you have a very sexy voice.
Yeah?
Y'know what?
Just hearing your sensual voice has already
got my little pussy starting to purr.
Really?
Y'know, my own cat got run over last summer on the freeway by a truck.
Your father forgot something... typical.
Is your homework completed?
Well, just about.
C'mon, give my little tiger a bone.
Is one of your friends on the phone?
It's Lisa.
Oh, good.
Good heavens Florian. She sounds like she's very sick.
It's just a little cold.
Let me say hello...
Lisa.
Oh, my god!
I'll call you back.
I had a nice chat with candy and her cat
but I still don't know what was up with that.
Sex and romance don't seem to drive but the Karma Sutra says I've got to keep them both alive.
I wonder how they're related.
Beats me. I think it's something adults invented.
Hey, romance is overrated anyway.
Look at that!
There's nothing better a double-dip on a hot day.
It looks more difficult than it is.
Do you think so?
Yeah. C'mere...
...alright, you stand on one leg
while I lift the other.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to disturb you guys.
Just carry on.
My chatty little buddy said to forget about romance but I had a feeling he was lying.
Hey pal, why would I lie to you?
Trust me.
These lines shift according to the politics of the day. Sometimes...
What would Leone find romantic? I knew I couldn't just go up to her and ask.
Lisa.
Do you want to have sex?
No way Red Bull.
Red
Come up front.
Sorry Mrs. Mueller what was the question?
Indicate to the class where the Flatlands of Europe can be found.
Um... they're right... here.
I don't know what to do. They're just not getting very big yet.
I keep checking in the mirror
but nothing's happening.
I don't have big breasts that flop around.
Does it bother you?
You better believe it, toots.
No problem at all.
I mean, on the bright side you save money.
You don't need a bra.
I mean... boobs,
They're overrated.
Liar.
Let's go back inside.
Red Bull organized a field-trip for the two of us.
Knowing him, I didn't expect much
but it turned out to be pretty cool.
Mother!
Mommy!
Get out!
Are you demented?
Mom? Just looking for my mother.
Mom?
Occupied!
Do I know you?
Florian!
You're not my mother!
And you're not my son.
The first thing to learn is opening the bra... brasiers.
Next you need to learn the various bra sizes. It's considered a basic requirement.
They start in A, which is the smallest... and they go up to a D
How big is Leone?
I think she'd be a solid C.
Unless, of course she wears a wonderbra.
Then you can't tell.
Yeah, but how do you know what you'll be getting.
They don't want you to know. That's why they wear them in the first place.
How sneaky.
Can I help you with something?
Yes. My friend needs a bra for... his mother.
Very well. What size is your mother?
He's forgotten. But if you show him some he'll remember.
Don't forget to watch how they open.
Because some unfasten in the front others unfasten at the back.
Some un-snap some have catches.
Well, how do you know which is which?
You don't. That's the problem.
Opening a bra is like playing poker.
You need some skill to pull it off and a whole bunch of luck.
Ok, there's this brasier and another style
and there are these two choices.
You see this one opens at the front.
Does your mother wear that type of bra?
Sure.
Now try to open it with one hand.
Are you serious?
Yeah. And hooks can really be a bitch. Snaps are a lot easier.
You've got to keep the other hand free.
Ok, that's it. Out! Now!
Wait a minute.
You misunderstand what's going on.
My friend's mother over there was in a serious automobile accident.
You poor thing.
His father wasn't so lucky. They're still looking for the top of him.
So young Florian here... he's all she has left.
Oh... you boys practice as long as you need to. Take the time to get it right.
My family thanks you.
Lesson two is the lower half.
How to get a woman out of her pants.
A lot of women wear skin-tight jeans.
You need a crowbar to remove them. It's almost an impossible task to do even, if the girl helps you.
Try taking them off without her noticing it's happening.
I think I'm lost.
You can't be crude and say "Hey babe, drop 'em".
If she's turned off, it's over.
She wants to get naked too... only you know the way girls are. She'd never admit it.
You have to peel them off her from the front.
But how?
Make up a story, something amazing and wild as you're waving one hand right in front of her face.
This will distract her so you can pull down her pants with your other free hand.
I've never heard of that technique.
Oh, yeah, why do 98% of Italian men only have sex after they get married?
I don't know.
The answers are right in front of you.
Italians speak with both hands.
Did you ever see an Italian guy who spoke with just one hand?
I guess not.
That's right.
With no hands free he's forced to marry her just so she'll undress for him.
That sucks.
That's why the Catholic Church has so much power in Italy.
If a grown man want's to undress a woman he has to marry her first.
Have you seen the phone anywhere?
Florian took it to his room to call Lisa. They're doing homework on it.
Amazing. He just keeps surprising me.
Dig your claws into my back...
Scratch me!
Deeper! Harder! Give my pussy a wild ride, cowboy.
Alright let's rehearse this like a movie.
Here we go... places everyone and...
Action!
Come cruel...
Stop! What the hell are you doing?
Professor, you said 'action'.
Kye, you're playing a musician.
Yeah, so?
Musicians don't carry weapons. They carry guitars... hey!
George!
What's up?
I was more and more convinced there was something wrong with me.
I mean, everywhere I looked,
I saw Leones.
Big Leones...
Little Leones...
Thin Leones...
Fat Leones
They were everywhere.
I was so worried about Friday
and time was running out fast.
Florian, what's going on?
Well, I like this one person but I'm so nervous around her
that I haven't been able to tell her yet. She won't want to know anyway.
Don't be so negative.
So I thought it would be nice to buy her a present.
Yeah, a flavored condom.
Oh, really? What for?
Just so she'd notice me.
I'd get her attention.
How about a ring?
You mean it?
To remember me when I'm not around.
I hope you know her finger size.
I'd say she's just about your size.
Then I guess I should keep you company when you go to get the ring.
Does Friday work?
That'd be great.
Ok, that's perfect.
Red Bull's next lesson concerned other people's privacy and how to effectively invade it.
It looks like we're about to hit paydirt...
...ah, false alarm.
Do you always spyin' on your neighbors?
Not constantly.
No more than a couple of times a day. Observation is one of the basic building blocks of education.
I still don't see anything.
Patience, my friend is very important.
Especially if you get stuck.
Stuck'... what are you talking about?
When dogs are breeding they often get stuck together and you can't pull them apart.
The lady dog gets freaked out and tries to run off down the road
and the poor male dog gets dragged behind on his butt.
What's that got to do with me?
Well, basically the same thing can happen to men and women.
When the woman is done she usually wants to get up and brush her hair... or whatever.
Women are always doing something.
The guy is stuck, trapped in there. If you don't find a way to hold her down she's going to
drag your skinny ass all over the house. And your dick could sustain permanent injuries.
No way.
Yeah. Why do you think men sometimes tie women to the bed?
Whoah! Look at that...
Down there.
That looks like a whip.
Why does she have a whip?
Obviously the guy didn't perform well.
I don't know... I don't think I'm ready for this.
It seems the more I learn about sex the more confused I am. I'm really lost.
You're way too naive for your age. You need some professional help.
Go to an expert first. Get it solved now.
It wouldn't be right.
Get real!
Sign me up! What you need is an emergency training program now.
Otherwise Leone is going to eat you alive. Or even worse whip you like a horse.
Hello?
You've selected 'Dominating Darlings', Mistress Vanya will be right with you.
Mistress Vanya speaking. Who the hell are you?
Ah... Florian.
Alright Florian Are you sitting all nice and comfy?
Yeah.
Well, get your ass up!
Vanya doesn't tolerate any sitting sissies. I'm into pain and more pain understood?
Stand up, slave! Now!
Whatever you say.
Wrong! The correct response is "Yes Mistress Vanya!".
Yes. Mistress Vanya!
Kneel down, you stinky good-for-nothing dog and bark for your mistress.
Bark, Fido!
I really don't think that would be such a good idea.
On your knees you maggot-ridden flea-hound!
Ok ok ok...
Repeat after me, and get it right word for word...
Mistress Vanya, I am so unworthy!
Louder, you filthy scum!
Mistress Vanya, I am so unworthy!
Oh, yeah? Well, show me you mean it and kiss the carpet.
The carpet?
It looks pretty dirty. Do I have to?
You whip! Get down on all fours and bark like a dog and make it loud.
I said make it loud... or I'm going to whip you!
Florian...
Why are you barking on the carpet?
I was looking for my book.
Bark again! Put more bite into it you...
It's a school project.
Talking to Mistress Vanya hadn't made anything clearer.
I mean, what do barking dogs and carpet-kissing have to do with sex?
Red Bull was right I needed professional help.
The thing I like about Red Bull is that
when he makes up his mind to do something he does it well.
You see, there was a small sum of $200 involved.
And where can two kids get that kind of money?
This next issue is something special. It's one of my personal favorites.
Farrah Fawcett was the Pamela Anderson of her day.
Ok, here's my final rock-bottom price...
5 bucks.
Hey, I'll give you three.
Wait a minute. Give me four and I'll throw in this extra strength water-balloon, alright?
This balloon is not sold in stores. It can hold over a gallon of water without exploding.
Electronically tested it's guaranteed to perform.
And best of all
it holds its shape even thrown off the fourth floor.
4, 5 bucks
5, 6, 7, 8 bucks
Anyway, Mistress Vanya kept telling me to kiss the carpet.
I don't know how often you clean your carpet but...
No no no... kissing carpet is when...
well, you know... when you kiss a girl 'down there'.
Why would I want to do that?
It drives them wild.
It's the warm-up, called foreplay. You'll want to remember it when you get in there.
What's it like?
Like... it's like...
I can't describe it.
It smells like...
rabbit.
You're kidding.
Like dead rabbit.
How long dead?
Well, think of a rabbit hit by a gigantic truck
and left by the side of the road for a few days. It smells like mayonnaise in a sauna.
Man!
What?
I don't know if I can do it. I've got a weak stomach.
Women get angry
If you don't do this foreplay first.
But maybe, since we're paying for it she'll make an exception for you.
This is it, buddy.
You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea. Let's just go home.
What do you want?
We're here to see Mona.
For what?
For my friend here.
Tell her I'll do anything...
but foreplay.
Foreplay? I can't believe it. You blew the gig. He was about to let you in, Fly.
You wait right here, Ok? And let me arrange it. Uh?
All this because of you.
Hey, I'm worth it, buddy.
Listen, I really appreciate you setting this up. It's very nice of you.
Have a good one.
Well, what did he say?
The guy was nice.
He even took our cash so we're paid in advance.
They were all booked up for today. But tomorrow, at 12:00 noon you have a date with Anita.
Women are just like cars you know what I mean?
No. How do you figure?
I read somewhere that a healthy relationship shouldn't last more than about 4 years or so.
Yeah, but my parents have been together for...
Yeah yeah yeah, I know. But your folks aren't normal.
Biologically it takes a couple about 4 years to have a child and when it walks
the man goes on the hunt for the next woman. It's scientifically proven.
Really? But what...
Hey, no 'buts'. That's why mankind has existed for so long.
That's why you hear a little voice, telling you what to do "Boy, look at that babe... and that!"
Alright, even if it's true what's it got to do with cars?
I'm coming to it.
Y'see, most people keep their car for four years and then hey trade it in.
The ignition breaks, the tires wear out and on and on and on...
With women the same thing happens. They start to fall apart.
Then it's time for all kinds of plastic surgery...
silicone implants, liposuction, everything under the hood.
Before you know it they're nickel and diming you to death.
A woman wears down just like car's transmission.
That's why so many men marry secretaries.
All these secretaries are 20 years old, fresh and new, like the parts in an auto-assembly line.
They wait for the bosses wife to crumble and rust.
Not all marriages end up like that.
Tell me, whose folks are still together?
Mine are.
I told you're parents are not exactly normal. They're like a disaster waiting to happen.
Aunt Zelda...
Are my dad and mom really happy together?
What kind of a question is that?
It's just that all of my friend's parents are divorced or split up.
Or having affairs.
Yet my dad and mom seem so content and happy with each other. Is that normal?
Oh, Florian.
Don't worry about your folks.
Your mom and dad are good together. They get along very well and are happy.
And tonight they're having a romantic evening to celebrate their love.
Phone sex.
What?
Don't pretend you didn't hear me. Telephone sex!
Please keep your voice down everyone can hear.
I'll speak as loud as I please.
I repeat, telephone sex!
How are you able to have sex with a telephone?
You've been calling up girls for sex on the phone. That's disgusting.
What are you talking about, Petra?
You can't recall?
Well then, perhaps this girl Candy or maybe Mistress Vanya will refresh your memory.
What is this?
How disrespectful to call them from our home!
Where our innocent boy could overhear. What example are you setting for our son?
And to have the nerve to put these filthy calls on my credit card!
She can grease me up like that any time she wants. Do you think we can get a good-night kiss?
Time to turn off your light young man. It's late.
Tomorrow will be another long hard day. You'll need a good sleep.
Who needs a good sleep? Introduce me!
I had less than 24 hours to prep for Leone
and I hadn't even kissed a girl yet.
Now, rest well, Florian. Sweet dreams. Here comes that kiss.
Here's our chance pal... slip in the tongue.
You idiot!
Hey! A little tongue is better than nothing.
Rabbits...
Cute little white bunny rabbits.
A carpet of them.
Foreplay on the carpet... girls love it.
Carpet tastes like dead rabbit.
C'mon, let's go.
My father discovered his Playboys were missing.
I'm grounded until I'm thirty.
Shit, man!
Go and see Anita on your own.
C'mon, can't we change the appointment or something?
Are you nuts?
I already gave the guy all the money we made from selling the magazines.
C'mon, if you don't go I'll have gotten into trouble for nothing.
I don't know...
You owe me this one. You and I both know you need experience for tonight. Understand?
I'm shrinking by the minute here. This is the most important moment of your life.
Go back!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes! I don't know the meaning of the word 'no'.
No is no and that's final!
Who are you talking to?
I'm looking for Anita.
Who are you?
I'm Florian.
Aren't you a little bit young to be coming here?
I don't know. I had an appointment at 12:00.
But at your age you must have a girl friend.
There is this girl... who really seems to want me... I hope.
And the problem is I've never done it before.
I'm afraid I'll disappoint her.
Is that stupid?
No, it isn't. It's cute in fact. It feels kind of cold. How about we go get a hot chocolate?
Yeah...
It's difficult being a young guy.
Up to now I was only interested in sports and things.
Then out of the blue, bang, a voice begins telling me that I'm supposed to have sex.
It's driving me crazy. It doesn't stop bugging me for a minute.
I don't know what to do. It won't stop.
You mean it will get worse?
No. One day you'll begin to realize that a person's life isn't just about sex.
When that happens the voice you're hearing will no longer be a problem.
That's a lot of blah blah, pal. I'm your biggest asset.
Come... sit next to me.
I'll show you something.
Ok, ever feel that before?
It feels pretty good, huh?
Do the same to your girl friend. She'll really love it.
Red, you lied about the smell. It's not at all like dead rabbit.
Yeah, I know...
once more.
Hey!
Don't hurt my hand.
Watch this...
It's my turn...
Hey! You're using up the smell.
Ok, this is the last round.
Stop it!
I thought you were rehearsing.
What does it cost?
Let me see...
DM 2,000
I was thinking about... DM 50.
That's going to be very difficult. Let me see...
This one's quite lovely.
You know what, this one's even better.
It's beautiful.
Should we get it?
Do you think Leone will like it?
Excuse me?
Leone.
The ring is for Leone?
Yeah, what did you think?
Hey, Lisa, wait!
I didn't understand what had gotten into Lisa. But then I was preoccupied with some other important stuff.
The big night had finally arrived and I felt confident that I was ready.
I had the ring
and I'd memorized every position in the Karma Sutra.
Although one or two of them still gave me a few problems.
Hi, Leone. I hope my technique is as good as Kyle's.
Here Leone, take this ring as a sign of my... affection.
Just introduce me and I'll do the rest.
Now or never.
Hello!
Florian, what are you doing here?
I was invited... remember?
Oh, yeah, but...
Oh, 'Whiffy'...
Whiff-whiff' back away.
Get down 'whiffy'.
Whiffy'! Stop!
Are those for me?
Yeah.
Well, since you're here
you might as well come in.
It's a nice house.
Sit!
I'll put the flowers in that corner over there. Right next to mom's priceless porcelain figurine collection.
Whiffy'!
Now, stop!
He becomes so jealous when I mention mom's porcelain figurines.
Let's tend to business before I become tenderloin for that mutt!
I'll be right back. I'll get some water for the flowers.
I got this to show...
Sorry, but I totally forgot I invited you here.
I'd like to offer you something to drink but Kyle will be here any minute
and you know weird he gets when a guy even looks at me.
Remember what happened to poor Kevin?
Hi. Leo-ne...
You!
Oh, shit!
Kyle's here. It's swirly time.
There's no escape.
You can play at this. You want to bump uglies with me? Alright!
Kyle! That's enough.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my god!
You're a dead man! See you on stage tomorrow.
How can we stay together when you won't even trust me?
Anyone could have made those calls.
So now you're saying that somebody sneaked into our house,
took my credit card out of my purse then spent 25 and a half hours
on our phone talking to this Professor Candy?
Ok, let's just say for a second that I did make those calls...
which I didn't... what's the big deal, anyway?
I feel like a lilly-pad here.
This is your fault.
The big deal is that you're denying what you did.
How can I ever trust you again? We might as well separate.
Why don't we go back to Leone's and give it another shot?
Shut up!
So now we're talking about divorce?
Let me remind you the play tomorrow night is the last chance to score with Leone.
In the meantime get this slimy goldfish of me!
This guy doesn't care about anything. Not only has he cause me a ton of trouble,
but now thanks to him, my whole family is freaking out permanently.
The problem at hand was way out of Red Bull's line of expertise. I only had one friend who could help me with this.
Are you crazy?
Can I come in?
You look like shit.
What happened to you?
I've got to talk to you.
There's nothing to say.
This has been the worst night of my life.
I'm only 15 and I've already screwed up my entire future.
A psychopath wants to kill me and somebody I thought wanted to be with me could give a shit.
Thanks to me my best friend is grounded until he's 30,I can't show my face around school now.
And I have to memorize a gazillion lines of classical literature by tomorrow evening.
And my very best friend won't even talk to me.
My folks want a divorce and it's all my fault.
The only thing to do is put you up for adoption.
Hey, I'm serious.
Oh, really?
I seriously liked you until you humiliated me yesterday.
I thought the ring was for me.
I'm sorry about that.
Fly...
Yeah?
If I had let my parents down or caused them a lot of pain,
something they've always wanted me to do, to make them proud of me.
Yeah, but what are my options?
My mother's biggest wish is to see me on stage. She wants me to play Romeo.
Then play him.
Yeah, but Casper has got the part.
Come up with a plan.
Dear mom and dad...
It was me who made all those calls on your credit card, mom.
I'll understand if you never want to see me again.
But in case you do come to the play tonight. I will be playing Romeo.
I hope I will make you proud though I'm sure I won't be as good as you were, dad,
when you and mom did the show.
If you don't come I'll know you are through with me.
Please don't get a divorce.
Love, your son, Florian.
It was now time to put the plan into action.
I hope you're talking about my plan to jump Leone's bones.
The chemist said one small dose had his dog shitting for a whole week.
So it's very important we don't let Casper eat a whole lot of these.
He's coming. Heads up!
Hi Casper. Would you like a chocolate?
I'll pass. It might ruin my voice.
Man, don't be stupid. It actually improves your voice.
Yeah? How?
Chocolate relaxes your vocal chords. All the big Hollywood celebrities eat it.
DeNiro, Pacino... It must really work.
But I'm allergic to chocolate. Too bad.
But thanks.
I don't believe it.
This sucks!
Ok...
Follow me.
Oh, my God!
I wouldn't go on stage like that. But, c'mon, we'll find a sewing kit.
It's pretty dark in here.
Where's the light switch?
Hey!
Let me out!
Let me out! I'm Romeo!
Everyone's here... Romeo? Oh, my God, where's Romeo?
Has anyone seen Casper?
Yeah, a couple of minutes ago over there.
Casper felt sick.
Yeah, it came out of nowhere.
My stomach can't take showbiz stress.
Dirk, will you please stop coughing. I can't think.
Florian!
Where's Florian?
Here.
Florian! Thank heaven. You've saved us!
I can't believe it. You dared to show your face here?
Let him go. We need Romeo.
What is the matter with you? I don't need him.
Hey, without him you can't say your one big line. Back off!
Get ready for your swirly after the show. Forget this personal business.
You must get ready for the show. Go get dressed.
I want everybody to take your places. Now go go go!
Is your equipment all warmed up?
George!
Are you talking to me Mr. Winterfield?
It won't work. There's no time left.
I'll be the laughing stock of the entire school.
Henry!
Yes sir?
Try to stay awake for the entire play, ok?
Don't panic. The cue-cards are almost done now. Whatever's left out I'll whisper to you.
Curtain up!
Two households both alike in dignity...
Louder!
...in fair Verona...
Project out!
What's that noise?
From ancient grudge borne from mutiny...
where civil blood makes hands unclean...
from forth, the fatal loins of these two foes. A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life...
If you have patience to attend what here, shall miss our labors shall strive to mend?
Good work!
I can't stop shaking.
Florian, you'll be fine.
Thanks to you.
Don't get sidetracked! I want Leone.
Good morrow, cousin...
You're supposed to be out there!
Good morrow, cousin!
Good morrow, cousin.
Is the day so young?
It has struck nine.
Aye, me, sad hours seem long. Was that my father who went hence so fast?
Sweet goodnight. This bud of love by summer's ripening breath
may prove a beauty as flower when next we meet.
Goodnight, as we repose and rest. Come to thy heart as that within my breast.
And trust me, her breasts are sweet.
Why don't you just put a lid on it?
O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
What satisfaction can thou have tonight?
I can think of a couple of things.
Why don't you just shut up?
Don't release the rose petals until you get the signal from me to get the right timing.
Do you know what the signal is?
No. Should I?
When you see me do that!
I gotcha.
My bounty is as full and boundless as the sea. My love as deep.
Yeah, what ever you want, baby.
Shut up!
The exchange of thy faith.
Friends, we can end this confrontation and then be on our way.
...for both are infinite.
I hear a noise within. Dear love... adieu... adieu.
Adieu.
Adieu already? What happened to hello? This play needs a script doctor.
Good scene.
...and be on our way.
Tibalt! Mercutio!
The prince expressly has forbid this bandying in Verona streets.
No! Kyle, this is not your scene. You're a musician!
Well, am I alright?
You're great.
Oh, man!
It's alright. It'll pass. It's stage-fright.
Yeah, that's it. I'm a genius.
I've got an idea for my entrance.
Ok, up!
But that isn't the way we rehearsed it.
Who asked you? Just do what I want!
He's got the first line.
Where's Kyle?
Forget this asshole.
My dear friends, we can end...
What's going on?
My dear friends...
My dear friends we can end this confrontation and then...
...and then... be on our...
What's?
Nurse!
What should she do here?
My dismal scene. My needs must... act on my own.
What if this mixture do not work at all? Shall I be married then tomorrow morning?
No! No... No!
This shall forbid it! If I wake, shall you be there?
Shall I not then be stifled in the vault?
What's going on out there?
Please hear me, God. It's all I'll ask...
Bring down the curtain now!
Next scene, next scene!
What happened here?
I didn't see anything, I swear.
I want you to phone for a doctor right now.
Lisa, get to wardrobe. You'll replace Leone.
Me?
Yes.
Go on.
I'll make the call.
Do you like my costume?
Holy gazoomba! This is a new development.
I'm switching to 'Plan B'.
You're absolutely gorgeous.
Don't just stand there with your teeth hanging out make a move.
Romeo and Juliet, you're on! Let's go!
What are you waiting for, a full moon? Don't let her out of your sight.
Here's to my love.
O true apocothery thy drugs are quick...
...thus with a kiss... I die...
Romeo...
Hey, hello! Wake up! Prayers do come true to
Boy, talk about Twin Peaks...
Finally, he's talking to me.
Now's your chance pal. Show her there's some life in the old body yet.
Lisa... Lisa...
Even her name sounded like sweet music.
Liii-sa.
Pull! Pull the curtain!
I hadn't felt this way
since I fell in love with Leone.
Wrap it up.
A gloomy peace brings with the morn.
Some shall be pardoned and some punished.
For never was a story of more gloom than this of Juliet... and her Romeo.
Bravo!
Wanna play Romeo and Juliet later?
How about Romeo and Romeo?
Anybody interested in having their flowerpot fertilized?
Oh, no.
Like I said at the beginning, I don't know if you could
call this a big happy ending but it is happy. On top of everything else
I didn't have to injure myself trying to fit into one of those Karma Sutra positions.
Here we are, just you and me. Just the two of us.
What am I, chopped liver?
Wait a minute forget I ever used that term.
Fly.
Yeah?
Nothing will ever come between us, will it?
Of course not.
I think you might have to make an exception for me.
So how was your date with your friend Lisa?
Good.
And what did you two do?
First this warm feeling came over me and I guess my blood started pumping.
Because, before I knew it, she let me putt my wee-wee into her flowerpot.
Now you're catching on. This my friend is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.